Do Moms Evolve?

I’m a mom of grown-ups now. My girls are in other towns and make their own choices, and don’t have curfews and go grocery shopping. I have no idea what brand of toilet paper they use. Even though my boys are still home, sometimes they only speak these words to me: It’s fine, I’m fine, It was fine, ok, yah cool.

I’m wondering as they grow and change, am I changing as a mom?

When they were babies and would cry, I would hold them, and “shushhh” them and then put a bottle in their mouth.  When they were preschoolers, and would fall and hurt themselves, I would swoop in and pull them close, and then run to the kitchen grabbing some ice and a Popsicle.  Even now when I want to hear the word “fine” for hours, I hug my 6 foot tall boys and then take them for breakfast.

Really, I don’t think my instincts are changing. The nature of our conversations, how dependent they are on me, and how much I am a nag is absolutely changing.  They need me less and less, or maybe just in different ways. But I’ve come to the conclustion who I am as a mom is not evolving. I still speak truth to them when they don’t want to hear it. I forget to mail things to them. I listen when they need someone to hear them. I mom-uber them around town. I listen to their trap music. And when it comes down to it, I just hold them and feed them.

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That’s the mom I’ve always been, and that’s the mom I’ll always be. And someday when I become a grandma, I’ll do the same with my grandkids.  I’m a hold -em-and-feed -em-mom. After all, everyone needs a hug and a breakfast taco.

What kind of mom are you?? Comment & Share

 

 

5 Reasons Why My Daughter & I Are Better Than The Gilmore Girls

Alyssa made me watch it. She said, “Mom, you have to binge Gilmore Girls with me. They. Are. Us. ”

I wasn’t too thrilled. I had tried the show before via reruns and couldn’t get into it. Over/Cheesy-Acting…and Stars Hollow…I mean really, who names a town Stars Hollow?!

But I watched. Episode 1, then 2 …then 15. I was hooked. It was horrible, yet so, so good.

And every moment of seamless conversation between Lorelai and Rory made me miss my Alyssa even more. And I missed her so much, because she was right… Gilmore Girls…

They.
Are.
Us.

As I went on, and developed true emotional ties and family like love, I also developed family like dislike of some them. Surprisingly, I found myself really really hating–or rather STRONGLY DISLIKING–wait for it– LORELAI.

Saying I hated the mom was like saying I hated myself. I was dysfunctionally “ONE” with this show, seriously dysfunctional.

As I thought about my relationship with my daughter, I soon realized that we are so much better than the Gilmore Girls. Here are my 5 reasons why. It helps if you’ve seen the show, but even if you haven’t, I think you’ll be encouraged in your own relationships with your kids.

1. My daughter is not my entire purpose in life. Probably because I have 4 other children and a husband. But I think this is an important point to look at. It’s so great to have a close relationship with your kids, in fact, it’s one of the most fulfilling things in any mother’s life. But I don’t totally and completely depend on Alyssa for the purpose of my being. I see too many parents who put their kids at the foundation of their identity. ahem Lorelai.

2. As Rory grew up and moved away to college, Lorelai still wanted to know every intimate detail of Rory’s life. I absolutely want Alyssa to talk to me about things, in fact I want all of my kids to know that I am here for them in the most difficult of circumstances and just to chat about their favorite coffee shop. But I do not want to know when they are having sex or every intimate detail of their relationships. I want to speak truth and guide. I want to listen and be there when they can’t navigate on their own. I will ask questions but I absolutely refuse to invade their ability to make their own decisions and most importantly their own mistakes. I am a friend, but I am not their peer. At some point, I have to let go.

3. If Alyssa or my other children have a dream to go to specific college when they are 12, I won’t throw a temper tantrum if they change their mind at 18. In addition, if they take a break from college because they feel lost and confused at 19 I will not throw a temper tantrum and refuse to talk to them because they don’t do what I want or expect of them. Life is hard, even more so at those ages where you can’t legally buy beer. I had no clue what I was doing when I was 19 or 20 or 21. Hell, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing now. Alyssa, Cody, Zac, Karah & Kayla don’t need my emotional needs to cloud their judgment of their lives. I will err on the side of them finding their own way over me thinking I know what’s best (even though I probably do). My fears and failures aren’t their job to fix.

4. I am not so protective of my relationship with Alyssa, or any of my offspring, that I want to be the only adult in their lives they love and depend on. I encourage my kids to have other trusted adults in their lives they can talk to…especially about me. I’m not perfect(most days anyway) and sometimes they will struggle in their relationship with me. They need people they can talk to and get guidance from who aren’t so totally in love with them.

5. We have Jesus. This is really the most important reason. I know, I know, it was just a TV Show. But I hated how the Christian mother/daughter relationship in the show (Lane & Mrs. Kim) was so rigid and Pharisee-ical. It is so opposite of a real Christ-centered mother/daughter, parent/child relationship. Because we have Jesus, I can pray for my kids, and pray with them. I can lead them to a source of truth, not opinion or feeling. I can encourage them to become all that God created them to be, not all that I want them to be. When they don’t know where to college or who to marry or what to do with their future, we have a fearless, confident perspective that God will provide and He is Sovereign and everything will legitimately be okay.

Despite that I know we are better, I know we aren’t perfect. I know we are all just trying to do our best as moms. But I’m glad I found Lorelai & Rory.  I loved the Gilmore Girls. I loved how it brought me and Alyssa even closer. I love how it made me miss her and hug her tighter when I saw her. But I will say, most of all, I loved Kirk.

What did you love and hate about the Girls? Comment and let’s chat about it!

When Your Daughter Leaves For College

I was laying there in bed holding my new sweet girl.  I was alone, twenty and a new mom.  I had to pee and was in so much pain.  I didn’t know what to do.  I pushed the button.

“Yes, can I help you?”

“Umm yes, I have to use the restroom.”

“Did you need help?”

“No I just don’t know what to do with my baby.”

I’m certain the nurses at on the other end of the intercom either a. laughed hysterically at me or 2. shook their heads and murmured, “Bless her heart.”

I pulled myself up and put her in the clear plastic bassinet. I waddled to the restroom, pulling her behind me.  “don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.”

She had never been alone. Not for a minute. She was with me for nine months and in the nursery, and now I was not going to be the one to leave her. She had to pee with me.  That’s just all there was to it.  And if she cried while I was peeing, I have no idea what I would do.

But we made it, we made it through the first night in the hospital, and learning to breastfeed.  We made it through the hours I watched her sleep and periodically poked her to make sure she was alive. We made it through a new brother, and the loss of a family because of divorce.  We made it through a new family, with new siblings. We made it through moving and tears from stupid boys. We made it through the trauma of leaving friends, and the disappointment of new schools.

And we will make it through when she leaves in two weeks to start a new life, at a college, with new friends, and new rhythms.

I’m embracing this relationship thing. This humanity thing. How changing our lives can be but our connections remain. God told us about new seasons, and to live in expectancy of them. In watching Jesus’ life, he had ever changing relationships. And still does.  One day you seek after Him, the next you fail to acknowledge him.

Humanity is about this, changing relationship thing. As our relationships transform, we are forced to as well. Sometimes I wonder if what we struggle with the most in the changing of ourselves. Wondering if we are strong enough, courageous enough to make it through.

That’s why we need a constant, a ‘never changing’. That’s why we need that thing that no matter what relationships come or go….

  • the marriage
  • the girlfriend who ditches you
  • the death of a parent
  • the sister who just wont’ talk to you
  • how she just doesn’t look at you the same anymore
  • how he just doesn’t want to be best friends with his mom
  • the business partner that betrays you
  • the daughter who leaves for college

He will be that  constant, the forever, unchanging…the timelessly faithful.  God knew this humanity he created would be always transforming, so He himself forever remains.  Be courageous, when everything changes, He is there.

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I Wish I Liked Coffee

Coffee is so trendy, and everyone is doing it. People are using their Keurigs while killing the environment, and spending the equivalent of a house payment at Starbucks every month. But I’m guessing, besides addiction, people actually like coffee. Me, on the other hand, I hate coffee. I hate the scent, I hate the taste, I hate the hot. Somehow coffee brings people together, like it’s some sort of club that only cool people who wear thick rimmed glasses and expensive costume jewelry can be a part of. It speaks a language, it does something, “Let’s have coffee.” “Do you want coffee? Yes, I would LOVE coffee, that’s so what I need right now!” And I’m standing there like….Sometimes I wonder if I liked coffee, perhaps I would have more friends, or different friends, or more intelligent conversations, or be able to tweet a pic of me sitting at a tiny table in a cool coffee house, with my computer, or book and a glimpse of my coffee in the background. Maybe.

I Wish I Was A Morning Person

One of my biggest struggles in school was the fact that my internal clock didn’t really start ticking until 5 or 6 in the evening. I would gain and still do gain a crazy amount of energy and be up until 3 or 4 the next morning. But then the alarm would go off at 7 and there was no possible way I could make myself get out of bed. Even now as a “grown up” (and I use that term loosely) I would much rather work in the evening and sleep during the day. But I sincerely wish I was a morning person. The world moves in the morning. Things happen. There is an energy and excitement that comes with the morning person club. Besides the fact that most of them drink coffee and are already in that club, now they work with others, do life as other do. No matter how I try I can’t force myself to like getting up in the morning. I can do it, but often need a nap at some point during the day, and I don’t like it. I have never ever, not once, ever was excited to be up early. I don’t spring out of bed, I crawl and moan and calculate. My morning thoughts are always figuring out when I get to go back to bed. I’m not sure if the whole thing is about me not being a morning person, or if I just really like to sleep. I really like to sleep.

I Wish I Was A Runner

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Another club I just don’t belong to is the running club, or the Crossfit club or any fitness club for that matter. I absolutely hate working out. It’s not my thing. I’m envious, though, of these women who can get a workout in, between selling their at-home business products, having their coffee, dropping off and picking up kids and cooking an all gluten-free-paleo-vegan dinner that everyone in the house just absolutely loved! I sincerely wish I could enjoy an hour on the elliptical and see the gym as a stress relieving environment. However, I do absolutely love yoga, but I’m normally too tired from staying up late the night before, and not drinking coffee to actually go to a class.

I Wish, I Wish, I Wish.

We all have those clubs we don’t belong to, or those talents we don’t have, or that time we never get. OR we can just love our non-coffee drinking selves, enjoy sleeping until 10 because your husband is awesome enough to take the kids to school, and proudly count walking up and down your stairs as your daily exercise.

It’s exhausting to constantly think of all the things we can’t be or just aren’t. Somedays are harder than others, all the pressure, all the pretty people. And that’s not something that I wish: to be more exhausted.

I mean, I love that that we are all created by this artist and there are these seeming flaws that are really intentional perfections. Dont’ wish, we can just be.

LG|LP

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No Money Back Guarantee For You

I’m driving to pick up kids the other day, one hand on the wheel, the other scooping sugar out of a packet with a candy stick. My youngest bought Fun-Dip to give out for his Valentine’s Day party. I couldn’t resist, so I grabbed one as I ran out the door, so I could shamelessly eat it in the privacy of my car.

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I remember when I was a kid how old and ancient it seemed the age thirty was. Now that I’m a few days away from being one year closer to FORTY, I realize there are certain things that aren’t guaranteed as you grow older.

  1. Sophistication. I would watch the grown ups, the ancient people on the Awards shows and my grandmother’s Soap Operas during the day, with their long cigarettes, and love lives and Bermuda love triangles. Every adult seemed to have some level of sophistication that someday, when I was thirty I would acquire. As I was driving with my Fun Dip sugar trickling down the front of my dirty shirt, my hair in a bun, I realized that I am anything but sophisticated.
  2. Wisdom. I am at a place in my life where I have no idea what I’m doing. For the first time in a long time, I’ve exhausted all my ideas of what my ideas were. I’ve run out of any type of solution to any and all of my problems. Although I am wiser, I have by no means gained near enough wisdom to successful live the rest of my life. The more I  “mature adults” I meet, the more people devoid of any type of deep knowledge become my friends. Our age does not define our level of wisdom.
  3. Career. I thought by this age I would be on the downside to retirement. My mom worked for the same company for 28 years. By now I should have some sort of idea as to what I’m going to be when I grow up. For the last 14 years I’ve served in full time ministry in some capacity. But, sister, let me tell you, there isn’t a whole lot of financial return on that . Yah, yah, I’m making an eternal investment, yah, yah, I’ll have my reward in heaven. Even though I am completely content with what God has for me, I sincerely expected to be a little more stable in this particular area at this particular time of my life.
  4. Future. It seems every few weeks I hear of someone I know, who’s husband has a heart attack or has passed away. More women are getting cancer. When you are young, there is a switch in your brain that hasn’t been flipped, and you’re in this state of bliss where you actually believe…not so much that you will live forever…but that you won’t ever get old enough to die. But as your friends become grandparents and your own kids move out and go to college, the reality sets in. Today could be the only future you ever know.

My closet eating Fun Dip escapade was a reminder that even though I’m getting older and there is nothing in life guaranteed, that I’m not sophisticated or even wise…I can enjoy small moments. I can taste the sweetness of life. I may be acting a fool at 38, but I appreciate every moment of it. In a way that I didn’t appreciate things at 15 or 25. I definitely didn’t appreciate straight up sugar on a stick the way I do now. And that’s growth my friends. That. Is. Growth!

LG|LP

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