My entire life I’ve felt out of place. Especially in school. It was like I was always just right outside of everything important. It didn’t help I lived confused. I was always trying to figure things out, put them together. No matter what I did, or how I tried, I just didn’t belong. Not anywhere, sometimes I didn’t even feel like I belonged in my family.
I lived in a constant surreal moment. An ongoing point of time where it felt like I was standing just outside of myself, and no effort or sacrifice of self or crossing my fingers and closing my eyes really tightly would bring what I knew to be true of myself and how I lived together. It was frustrating, and mostly hopeless. I hated it. My mantra as a teenager was, “Life Sux!”
It wasn’t until I was close to 25 that all the confusion seemed to finally cease. As I’ve grown deeper in my relationships and accepted my life, past, present, and future, I’ve been able to rid some of the chaos. But it doesn’t remove those moments when I feel like I just don’t belong. But my sense of alienation is much different now than it was, cough cough, twenty something years ago.
Now I am confident that I don’t belong here, and belt out a praise of thankfulness that I don’t. This world is cruel and difficult. Rarely do things make sense, and we live in a place where tragedy can strike at any moment. Our relationships are broken, and so are we. No matter how hard we try, or what we do, we always fall short of someone’s expectations of us. We mask it, we fake it, but in someway, we all know that there must be something more. We all desire to be in that place where we are unconditionally accepted without effort. Where we can just breathe and be.
I get a glimpse of that when I am fully submerged in the presence of Christ. I know there will be that day when those moments become my eternity. I find solace in knowing that where I am now is not the end, it is merely the beginning of a journey that will lead me to a place where I finally belong.