Hope you had a fantastic Easter yesterday! I know I did. I had the privilege of sharing part of my testimony on God’s great freeing power! Thought you might like to know a little more about me! Be Blessed today, and let me know: How can I pray for you?
Happy Easter everyone! Easter is my favorite holiday. One of the reasons I think is because it was my grandmother’s favorite holiday. And she loved bunnies, she collected them, and they were willed to me a few years ago when she died. Growing up, my grandmother was my safe place. I grew up in a chaotic world. My mom was married and divorced three times before I turned 11. My parents separated before I was born. I’ve seen him a handful of times, but have never had a relationship with him. I’ve tried, even now, but he has no desire to be a part of my life or my older brothers. My mom’s second husband was extremely abusive, in fact one of my very first memories when I was three was of my mom and him fighting, him hitting her. They were only married a very short time. My younger brother’s dad struggled with alcohol and drug addiction and was also abusive.
I grew up in my grandmother’s home, in an area that maybe wasn’t the best. My aunt and uncle also had a volatile relationship. I recall looking out the window once and watching her being dragged by her hair across the front lawn. My cousins and I were herded to the back room and then before I knew it the police were there.
This is what my definition of chaos was. I never knew what was going to happen. I couldn’t afford to be “happy” because I never really knew what was going to happen next. All of these events planted deep rooted seeds of fear in my life. As young as three or four I remember fear.
I feared who I was.
I feared being abandoned.
I feared being alone.
I feared being rejected.
I feared being close to people.
I feared men.
I feared my surroundings.
I feared taking walks or playing outside.
I feared sleeping alone.
All of this manifested itself in my behaviors in my life. I started drinking young. I loved going parties. And to say I was boy crazy was an understatement. I made such horrible choices, and put myself in seriously dangerous situations, all in hope of finding peace, but what inevitably deepened the root of fear in my life.
I struggled with anorexia, desires to end my life, lying and stealing.
When Alyssa wasn’t even two, I found myself in life controlling physical fear. I lived in an apartment on a busy street. After I picked Alyssa up from my beloved grandmother’s I would head home. But everyday before I would leave for work I would crack the doors just right so I could see behind them. I would lift all the dust ruffles on my beds so I could make sure no one could be under them. I would keep my cabinets open. I would dial 9-1-1 on my cell phone and hold my finger over the send button, just in case. I would leave my front door cracked until I checked the entire. I couldn’t shut the door, because someone could lock the door, and lock me in.
But see, that’s what Fear did to me. It locked me in. It locked me in my own life. And then it kept torturing me. The wicked advanced against me…and sought to devour me.
Then one night, I remember it clearly, it was after my divorce from a marriage that only intensified and rooted all my fears. Alyssa and Cody were gone, I was alone, at night, in a new condo. And I was being tortured. I was being devoured. I remember I was in my room, I was listening to worship music and reading my Bible. And I took a stand. I remember screaming and yelling–telling my fear to Go away in the name of Jesus. I recall the tears and the pleading to Jesus to take it all away. I couldn’t raise these kids by myself with all of this fear, I couldn’t serve on staff at a church with all this fear, I couldn’t be the person I knew he wanted me to be with all of this fear. So I cried and I prayed, and I believed that he would take it away.
And he did, that night. Just like the word says in I John, His perfect love cast out all the fear in my life. The moment I took that step of faith, Jesus was faithful to me and delivered me from the enemy. I have never ever experienced that degree of fear in my life. I don’t look over my back anymore, or check behind doors. I don’t struggle with anorexia or thoughts of suicide. He took it all from me.
Nothing in my circumstances really changed. I still had the same childhood, the same memories, the same hurts. My circumstances didn’t change. But my heart did. I chose that day to put my faith in the Risen One who could save. And when I find fear is creeping up on me, it no longer has power over me, but through my faith in Jesus, He has power of it through me. On that day of trouble, he kept me safe, he took my fear, and then set me high upon a rock.
He wants to do the same for you. Whatever fear you are holding onto, physical, emotional, spiritual, God right now is giving you permission to let it go. He wants you to replace your fears with faith. He wants you to trust in the same power that rose Him from the dead, the power of the Holy Spirit, to free you! And if you have no idea the saving power of Jesus, you can have that today too. He died on the cross, he chose you. And he desires to set you high upon a rock in glory with him. Faith in Him–to save you into eternal life or to save you from your fears. It’s here for you now. How can I pray for you?