If You Give a Mom A Facebook

If you give a mom a Facebook, she will probably want a glass of wine as she clicks through her newsfeed.

You'll give her a glass of her favorite Pinot Grigio.

As she is drinking her glass of wine, she will see beautiful pictures of all her skinny highschool. classmates. It will remind her that she is wearing pajamas and that her hair hasn't been washed in two days and is in a ponytail.

She will probably decide to dye her hair.

You'll have to go to the store to get the perfect shade of blonde.

When you return, you will probably find her digging through a box of old pictures, searching for a photograph of what she really looked like at 17.

Seeing herself at 17 will remind her of dying her hair.

She will ask you to do it.

While you are dying her hair, she will practice her poses for a new profile picture to put on her Facebook.

She will probably notice all the wrinkles in her forehead and ask you for some botox moisturizer.

When you give her some botox moisturizer she will probably ask you to fix her hair.

Her new hairstyle will remind her that her clothes are ridiculously out of date. So she will want to rummage through her daughter's closet to find something cool to wear.

She just might find the perfect blouse.

When she tries it on she is insanely aware of the sag and size of her boobs.

This will probably remind her that she needs to get a mammogram soon. So she will ask you to go get her phone.

As she is setting a reminder, she might accidently hit her camera app.

This might remind her that she needs to upload a new and imporoved Facebook profile picture.

She will probably ask you to take her photo.

When she poses for her new pic she might accidently knock over her glass of wine. So she will ask you for another.

And chances are, if she is drinking another glass of wine, she's probably going to get on Facebook.

{Inspired by If you give a Pig a Pancake by author Laura Numeroff and Illustrator Felicia Bond}


Now Taking Applications

Time to go back to school, wouldn’t you agree?? My kids are great, but they are making my house a mess.  I hate cleaning house.  I always have.  When I was a kid, we had a maid.  That was awesome.  I wonder if she’s still in the business. Wonder if my mom would still pay for it.  Yah, probably not.   So I guess I will have to clean.

I guess I really don’t hate cleaning, I hate the process of cleaning.  I hate that whenever I feel like I’m accomplished, I turn around to another sink full of dirty dishes.  I could never work for the post office.  The mail would never stop.  It would just keep coming, just like laundry.

I’m not good at process.  I’m good at starting a process, but not finishing.  Like writing, or building ministries, or school.  I like the exciting, heart-racing, passionate side of doing things, especially when it comes to a project having a beginning and an end. Like bathrooms.  I like cleaning bathrooms.  They are typically the smaller rooms, I feel accomplished when they go from disgusting to clean, and it’s something I can finish.

That’s one of the reasons I could never scrapbook, it takes too long. And it’s one of the reasons I will probably never do 79% of the projects I have pinned on Pinterest. I have great intentions, but come on let’s be real:  I will only be commited to shop for the supplies, after that.  Yah, probably not.

So, my lovely readers, I implore you.  How do I become a finisher?  Pray: Check.  Ask God to change me: Check.  Don’t start a new project til I finish my current one: Check–well, in theory.    I think I just need a team of people.  A team of people to finish the stuff that I start.  That’s it, I need a staff.  Would you like to apply?  Salary range is $00.000-$000,000.

Apply within.

I Don’t Trust You

Just for fun, I thought I would make of list of weird things I’ve observed that have made me raise an eyebrow. They aren’t drastically weird, but just odd enough to make me question whether or not this person is trustworthy.

I’ve decided that I have a hard time trusting people who:

  • Own a piece of exercise equipment and it’s in some random place in their house
  • Only desire to chew a half of a piece of gum
  • Wear water shoes in a swimming pool
  • Still hold juice boxes while their children drink them
  • “Bass out” to country music
  • Are adults over 30 and still shop in the juniors department
  • Still own their prom dresses and graduated 10 years ago
  • Won’t let different foods touch on a plate
  • Name their cats after expensive vehicles
  • Name their dogs after old girlfriends
  • Name their kids after things in nature
  • Sleep with socks on
  • Bite right into a lollipop
  • Don’t have to sing the ABC’s to figure out alphabetical order

I’m sure this list will be added to, most likely daily and I’m certain I’ve missed some. So, how about you? What weird things make you go, “Hmmmm?! ” Or what weird thing do YOU do that would make me not trust you anymore?

A Bad Case of Princess-itis

Ever have one of those days that seems completely worthless? Yah, well today is one for me. I could sincerely go to bed and not wake up ’til tomorrow, when I have a brand new jar of mercy and grace to twist open. I know, it’s not all that bad, really it’s not. It’s just a “BLAH” kinda day.

I will rant on about my misery, that is trite and selfish and minimal compared to the problems perhaps you even face. But at the end of my emotional vomitting I hope to feel a tad better, and perhaps even get out of my pajamas.

So it beings 2 1/2 weeks ago when I proved the Ole Wives Tale to be incorrect, and in fact, if you do shove a Q Tip too far into your ear you might break something. So last night was filled with interrupted slumber as my ear screamed out at me, in a slight shriek, what an absolute idiot I am. The drops aren’t helping, and neither is my yelling at the boys.

Oh, the boys! Who, by no fault of their own, are suffering from a lack of routine. Unfortunatelly they are also cursed at the inability to communicate like humans, and whatever other fever summer brings on. In my frustration my parenting skills completely deplete, especially when I’m not feeling well.

And then there is the lack of creativity and passion to accomplish anything…like writing and creating and being passionate. Not to mention that television offers nothing (Note to self: cancel cable) and the movie that I did watch, that I happen to love, was consistently interrupted by, no joke, more than an hour worth of commercials.

I have not had a coke all day and I don’t have ONE bit of brownies, or cookes or Sonic Chocolate Milkshakes anywhere in this house to make it all better. My man is at work so I must continue to suffer without. Pinterest is just a reminder of all that I won’t ever really be and facebook is just…well facebook.

I know, my life is so hard. Well really, it’s not. I’m blessed beyond measure, but have these moments of princess-itis in which I feel sorry for myself and completely entitled. Please don’t feel sorry for me, nor judge me. Just laugh at me as I sigh away my cravings and most likely roll over to take an afternoon nap.

I hope you have a fabulous rest of the weekend!

NBA is Rigged

Am I the ONLY person who thinks the NBA Finals are total sham? Really? And this rant isn’t because the Spurs lost last night. I dis-owned the entire NBA forever ago, when the players became more thug and the franchises became more greedy.

It wouldn’t be that big of deal except my husband LOVES basketball. And I do, too. But I love the GAME of basketball not the PERFORMANCE of the NBA. No doubt the players have skill, and they are tremendous athletes with exceptional talent. But I think all of America has been dupped. Yep–even you.

I know it would be one of those moments that would change your life forever, but I just find it impossible to believe that such a money-hungry, and money-driven, organization isn’t corrupt on some level. There is too much money involved, too many gamblers bets on the line, for basketball to remain pure. One more game is needed to sell one more ticket, one more beer, one more hot dog, to pay one more player an outrageous, and in my opinion, undeserved, salary. And this team, and this city needs more money this year because blah blah blah, so let’s drag this series out a few more games. It’s for the city, it’s for the team, it’s for the NBA.

Whether it’s the players or the refs, I’m not sure. Sometimes, I think the players are in on it, even though I think it would be more difficult to keep the secrecy of it under wraps. To me the refs are the ones to keep under the microscope, because no one really knows anything about them–or most importantly, about their integrity. Most games that are upsetting and frustrating have nothing to do with how the players perform, it almost always has to do with the calls from the refs.

I know you think that there is no possible way they can pull it off. I know that you think you are way too intelligent to fall for such a scam should it be really true. Or maybe ignorance is bliss and for the love of the game and your favorite pass-time, you are willing to turn the other way, and pretend.

Consider this: if Hollywood can get an entire country in an uproar about the end of the world in 2012, and if the media can have us believe the Zombies are currently attacking us, then why couldn’t the NBA get you to believe that the games they are playing are just and fair?

I don’t have any proof. I’m not some investigative reporter with some crazy evidence that will bring down the entire Association. So, am I just crazy? Perhaps. Distrusting? Umm, maybe.

But I’m not stupid. I think it’s all rigged!

How about you?!