What I Am Learning As I Get OLD

About this time, 8 years ago, you would have found me curled up on the floor in the fetal position, weeping. As I celebrated my birthday this weekend, I was reminded how much has changed in my life, my heart, since I turned 30.

Thirty was traumatic for me.

For 29 years I told myself that 30 was old. For 29 years I set high expectations for my life. For 29 years I carried the weight of regrets, and mistakes and sin. And then I woke up and was 30. I was old, with no direction, and lots of baggage.

So I wept.

Every day…

For weeks.

weeping

My husband came home from work to find me unshowered, back against the wall, sitting on the floor in a daze. I had to get some help, I had to sort it out. If my car broke down, I’d go to a mechanic. I was a mess, I needed a shower, a washing machine and Jesus!

I dunno, I think we all go through those times in our lives, where we realize that life isn’t what we thought it would be. Someone wrote on a status on FB something like this:

“One day things will go as planned.”

I didn’t want to burst her bubble, but I really wanted to say, “Umm never. Things never go as planned.” Well not never, but almost never. And I could use the first 29 years of my life as case and point. And the last eight years to just throw it all in your face.  Nothing as planned.

I’m still wondering how my plans and God’s plans align, if ever. I think most of the time I simply stumble, and then ooopsey, I find myself some place God can use me. There is always more month than money, I find myself walking places more now than ever, I went an entire year without a haircut, I don’t know the last time I bought clothes. My husband works 70 hours a week, my kids are growing up and moving on and there are days I simply feel like I’m standing still.

But somehow, I no longer weep, I only cry a little.  I don’t curl myself in the fetal position, but there are days I do stay under the covers. I don’t live with too many regrets, only dreams that I keep pressing toward.  I don’t have it figured out, I still question God at times, and I have moments of hopelessness, Then there is God’s grace…  I find that as I am aging, I am so much more grateful for the little things:

A roof over my head

Food in my kitchen

Healthy children

I am taken care of.

Jesus loves me.

All is well.

Until I’m 40…

What are you learning as you grow older? Share with me.

LG|LP

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No Money Back Guarantee For You

I’m driving to pick up kids the other day, one hand on the wheel, the other scooping sugar out of a packet with a candy stick. My youngest bought Fun-Dip to give out for his Valentine’s Day party. I couldn’t resist, so I grabbed one as I ran out the door, so I could shamelessly eat it in the privacy of my car.

fun dip

I remember when I was a kid how old and ancient it seemed the age thirty was. Now that I’m a few days away from being one year closer to FORTY, I realize there are certain things that aren’t guaranteed as you grow older.

  1. Sophistication. I would watch the grown ups, the ancient people on the Awards shows and my grandmother’s Soap Operas during the day, with their long cigarettes, and love lives and Bermuda love triangles. Every adult seemed to have some level of sophistication that someday, when I was thirty I would acquire. As I was driving with my Fun Dip sugar trickling down the front of my dirty shirt, my hair in a bun, I realized that I am anything but sophisticated.
  2. Wisdom. I am at a place in my life where I have no idea what I’m doing. For the first time in a long time, I’ve exhausted all my ideas of what my ideas were. I’ve run out of any type of solution to any and all of my problems. Although I am wiser, I have by no means gained near enough wisdom to successful live the rest of my life. The more I  “mature adults” I meet, the more people devoid of any type of deep knowledge become my friends. Our age does not define our level of wisdom.
  3. Career. I thought by this age I would be on the downside to retirement. My mom worked for the same company for 28 years. By now I should have some sort of idea as to what I’m going to be when I grow up. For the last 14 years I’ve served in full time ministry in some capacity. But, sister, let me tell you, there isn’t a whole lot of financial return on that . Yah, yah, I’m making an eternal investment, yah, yah, I’ll have my reward in heaven. Even though I am completely content with what God has for me, I sincerely expected to be a little more stable in this particular area at this particular time of my life.
  4. Future. It seems every few weeks I hear of someone I know, who’s husband has a heart attack or has passed away. More women are getting cancer. When you are young, there is a switch in your brain that hasn’t been flipped, and you’re in this state of bliss where you actually believe…not so much that you will live forever…but that you won’t ever get old enough to die. But as your friends become grandparents and your own kids move out and go to college, the reality sets in. Today could be the only future you ever know.

My closet eating Fun Dip escapade was a reminder that even though I’m getting older and there is nothing in life guaranteed, that I’m not sophisticated or even wise…I can enjoy small moments. I can taste the sweetness of life. I may be acting a fool at 38, but I appreciate every moment of it. In a way that I didn’t appreciate things at 15 or 25. I definitely didn’t appreciate straight up sugar on a stick the way I do now. And that’s growth my friends. That. Is. Growth!

LG|LP

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That One Time We Sold EVERYTHING

“I think we should just get rid of it all.”

He looked at me and said, “I was thinking the same thing but was afraid to tell you.”

We were moving back to Texas, and had a house full of “stuff”. A 2800 square foot house full of “stuff”. Toys, clothes, shoes, things to dust. Boxes and boxes of stuff.

And we hauled it all into our front yard, posted the signs and sold it. Well actually, we gave most of it away…and the rest, we might as well have.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not just because it was me, but because I had to stand along side my kids while they learned the difficult lesson of materialism.

We loved our stuff. We attached ourselves to our stuff. Those are “my” dishes I bought in Mexico. Those are “my” legos. That’s “my” bag. Mine. Mine. Mine.

We kept a few things. I had a few pieces of furniture that have been in the family. I kept our memories, and school stuff from the kids. Those are still piled in my best friend’s garage in Florida. ( and I can’t wait to go back and dig through my boxes and get rid of more).

We came to Texas, all five of us, with just some clothes and shoes(and deodorant).

We call it “being in transition” but really we were technically homeless. So we shacked up with my bro and his fam for a few months until we could figure things out. Michael was waiting for his job transfer to come through from Florida to Texas, and I was figuring out how to organize the four of us in a few rooms, while feeling guilty for kicking my nephews out of their rooms.

We finally moved into our own space with still nothing but our clothes. We didn’t have a huge hunk of cash, so we financed mattresses, a fridge and a couch and dining room table (which we are still paying on a year later…smack me in the face).

My room has a bed. Yes just a mattress on metal slates. I have a broken tower fan in the corner by my side of the bed, just for the noise–it doesn’t stand on it’s own, it just leans in the corner.

We have the minimal of everything. And have now for a year.

And it’s absolutely freeing and amazing, and I love it!

Well, sometimes….

Sometimes I get caught up in the materialism of the city I live in, because believe it or not San Antonio, Texas is a town that likes stuff, likes to buy stuff, and wear new stuff, and spend a lot of money on stuff.

But most of the time I stay pretty grounded, because none of the “stuff” matters.

That one time we sold all of our stuff changed me forever. Not just on what I should own, or what I buy for my kids. No just about living minimally (Because ladies if you have to clean all the time, you need to get rid of it!) But about so many other things in the world.

I find myself sometimes sickened by the materialism in America. Not just because other countries are in poverty or need. Not because I’m on some high-horse, filled with pride about being able to simplify.

The reason I get sickened is this — people don’t even see what materialism, and wanting stuff, and taking things for granted is doing to them. People don’t see how it completely blocks a flow of the Holy Spirit into their lives. People fight for the wrong things, and work for stuff that doesn’t matter. People ROB THEMSELVES of joy and peace and love because of their Americanized perspectives.

I know, I know. Not you.

It’s just me.

This has been my soapbox lately. This idea of wastefulness and taking things for granted. This soapbox standings is probably why I got in a few heated discussions over the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS awareness and fundraising.

Maybe it will pass, this feeling of being disgusted by our world’s selfishness and willingness to just accept things as they are.

But I hope it doesn’t.

If You Are A Human Being, Read This

I am about to give you your job as a Human Being this week. Not just a Christian, or a woman, or a man. This isn't a job for just those in ministry or those who are close to Jesus. This charge is not limited to a day or even every day of the week. This is not about getting paid, or fulfilling your calling, or purpose or living out your giftedness.

If you are a Human Being, your job is to

MOVE GOD'S LOVE INTO THE LIVES OF ANYONE AND EVERYONE WITHIN YOUR REACH.

WHY? WHY?!

Because Christians are getting their heads chopped off for loving Jesus.

Because innocent, unarmed kids are being shot.

Because the homeless population is growing.

Because people are being shipped to countries in freight containers.

Because teenagers are setting themselves on fire for 3 seconds of fame.

Because children are being sold and traded.

And your neighbors marriage is falling apart. The lady you sit next to at work, her daughter ran away this weekend. Your son has tried drugs and you don't even realize it. The lady with all the groceries behind you at the store hasn't been able to buy groceries for her kids for 6 weeks because her ex-husband hasn't paid his child support. The guy who cut in line at Starbuck's isn't thinking straight because his wife was just diagnosed with cancer.

If you are a Human Being, move God's Love.

You are the way it is moved.

You are the life that breathes it.

You are the reason someone will feel God's presence for the first time, or again, or in that exact moment it is needed.

Move.

God's.

Love.

You can inspire others on Instagram with #theglovemovement. Follow us at theglovemovement !!!

I’ve Tricked You

I go on these rollar coaster rides of blogging. For days and days I will post, post, post away with all my brillance and knowledge and wisdom and insight. Then something happens…and it stops. This time, it stopped for an entire month. I just needed to refuel. I am always in need of refueling.

All this time I’ve tricked you into thinking I’m something I’m not. I haven’t done this on purpose. In fact it took me years to figure this out about me. And so here is the BIG secret. The BIG trick…

I am an introvert

Yes it’s true. I actually prefer to be alone, I refuel in my solitude and there are times I just need to sit on my couch. Not because I’m lazy but because I’m an introvert.

For those of you who know me, you are thinking, “NO way!” But see here is the deal, just because I’m not shy, doesn’t mean I’m extroverted. In certain situations, I can shake hands and hug. I can lead groups and speak in front of thousands of people. I like being around people, I love hearing stories, and meeting new faces. But eventually there is a price to pay…and usually the cost is a week or so curled up in bed with a book, or chilin’ on the couch with the remote and a large Coke.

I’ve learned that blogging is a victim of the introverted world I battle with. I can write all day, in fact it’s one of the ways I process things, and refuel. But blogging is a different world. Blogging requires me to connect with the social media universe. If I want anyone to read it, I have to be the colorful bird in the twitter-verse, promoting and marketing. Tweet Tweet. I have to Facebook and connect with people throuh comments and online conversation. I sometimes hold my breath, those days I think I’m super brilliant, every time I look at my stats.

It’s exhausting.

Especially for an introvert.

So I take these breaks, and sometimes these longer sabbaticals. And then after I refuel, I am ready to get back to writing and connecting and sharing my thoughts. And I’ll do great, until I can’t anymore. I’m working through how to fix this. I have so much wisdom to share with the world (sense the sarcasm). Thank you for sticking with me and still reading my snippets on life. And forgive me?for not being such a great friend?

Are you introverted or extroverted? Comment so we can chat–I really want to know…and want to know you better! I’m changing, I’m growing. I need you to help me with that….

How has it affected you most? Can’t wait to know…